So, you are ready to marry, huh? You and bae have been going out for a while and now you’re considering settling down but aren’t sure about what you may be getting yourself into. Or perhaps you are on the lookout for a spouse and need a little guidance as to what to look for?
Always look for someone who does the basic when it comes to being religious.
Well, you’ve landed yourself at the right place, my friend. Grab that cup full of shaax by the handle and read on.
Even though I can literally name more than twenty characteristics that I can suggest someone look for in a spouse, I can’t ignore the fact that men and women process things differently. At the same time, I can write everything I think a woman SHOULD look for in a brother, but again, I am not every woman. I am just going to write a few traits that I consider to be important when you are in the market to find your spouse.
First and foremost, you should always look for someone who does the basic when it comes to being religious. Honestly, I don’t know everything I should know about Islam, however, I always wanted to marry someone who knows more than me. I wanted to marry someone who can right me in my wrong and always guide me to be closer to Allah. So do not look pass their Deen. Do they pray? Do they give Zakat? Do they fast during Ramadan? Are they planning to go to Mecca? Do they try to incorporate the Sunnah in their life? So on and so forth. When you marry someone, you are completing half of your Deen. Marry someone who is going to be a great companion to you; who will ultimately help you became pious (if you are not) so y’all can lead a righteous life togher. Imagine the two of you meeting up in Jannah.. now, that’s goals. 😉
Another trait to look at is if the person is ambitious. Does this person have goals? If they are in school, do they have plans on finishing? If they do not go to school, do they have plans on educating themselves? If neither of those, look to see if they have other life goals that align with the betterment of their life. Essentially what you want is someone who can show you that they are striving to improve themselves. And if you value this, but bae isn’t really displaying this, speak up!
Marriage is hard! You’ll need someone who is matured. You need someone who can keep it together when things seem to be falling apart. In fact, if the person demonstrates signs of childishness or a level of irresponsibility you wouldn’t even expect from a child, I say you cut that cord right there. Sometimes it takes just a small sign or gesture to tell yourself, “this ain’t it.” And when your gut tells you just that, stop and listen! When you are thinking of settling down and marrying someone, keep in mind the last thing you want to compromise is how mature the person is. Because in marriage, you do NOT want to feel like you’re babysitting.
Now that you want to marry this person, are they dependable? When you needed something/someone the most, did you rely on them to be there? If you can count on this person and know that they will be there no matter what, hold on to them. Marriage will—sometimes—knock you down. You’ll need your significant other to help you through it. They must exhibit trustworthiness and reliability. If you can’t count on them or can’t trust them, find the nearest exit door. The worst situation to find yourself in is having doubts in your head about your hubby/wifey. You’ll want to trust them wholeheartedly before signing the dotted line.
The worst situation to find yourself in is having doubts in your head about your significant other.
Does this person respect you? Are they very respectful of others? A good way to know this is to see how they interact with others – besides you. Although it may be difficult to know, try to find out how this person is toward his/her parents. This is one of the biggest indications of how compassionate they are. If bae is good to his mother and honors her, more than likely, he will do the same to you. If your girl takes good care of her parents, again the likelihood of her being kind, merciful and selfless can be seen.
Other significant characteristics to look for when marrying someone are the triple C’s. (Can you tell I love the letter C? Haha…) 1) Communication; 2) Commitment; and 3) Confidence—these traits are VITAL!
- Is there a clear communication between you two? If you are in a relationship with this person, pay close attention to how they communicate with you. Does this person demonstrate the basic communication skills? Are they expressive? Do they communicate well? Do they remain calm when you two fighting or do they shut down and shut you off? These can be clues as to what you may expect after you marry this person. Remember, for the ladies, communication is second nature. While for the fellas, they need a little more time to filter information and be expressive.
- Also, think about how committed this person is. Is their commitment one that is concrete? Are they all in? Do they seem committed to you and invested in your future? A devoted individual is one who can show you that they are exclusively yours and make that known. Obviously, if you two are sitting down and discussing marriage, I am guessing you both are in this for the long haul. Your committment to one another signifies the glue that will keep y’all tight during marriage, so value it.
- And finally, how confident is this person? Do they exhibit confidence that reassures you they are secure with themselves? Confidence is very attractive, but be careful not to confuse it for cockiness. Is this a little dhoocil kibir badan? On the flip side, is ol’ boy nin deggan oo kalsooni leh baa or mise wa sagaal jir afka kala haya?
The MOST important trait of all is LOVE. Do you love this person? If there is no love… it will be very hard to be together. Love makes everything easier. Love is the reason why you’ll want to spend the rest of your life with them. Love is what makes your heart beat faster than you count it. Love will be your candle at the darkest hours. Love will be your sword to win your toughest battles. The LOVE between you and your prospective mate will ultimately be the reason – even after you think you’ve been through it all and gave it your all—you stay with them.
But above all, you should strive to be the kind of person you want to be with. You can’t just want the perfect mate when you lack a lot of the traits you want in a spouse. Never settle for what you feel is “less” or not up to par. Because if you do so, you’ll end up resenting that individual for something they are completely unaware of.
Try to find and marry someone who makes you happy. Someone you can have serious intellectual conversations with, but at the same time laugh until it hurts your stomach. Honestly, it is the little things that should count. The little things that really matter.
May Allah make it easy to find your soulmate. Make Dua and ask your parents to pray and make Dua for you also. It really helps.
I leave you with love.